


actin' all okay

by redmaynes



Series: steal the air in my throat [1]
Category: Buzzfeed: Worth It (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-03-06 18:07:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13416714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redmaynes/pseuds/redmaynes
Summary: "You were never really into this, into what this all meant to me, were you Andrew?""What the fuck do you want from me?"





	1. had no need to fight

**Author's Note:**

> feeling super stressed and angry, had to get some writing out for catharsis
> 
> but enjoy
> 
> title from go fuck yourself - two feet

Steven blushes when he gets angry.

It's not his whole face, Andrew muses, but just the high points of his cheeks, the apex of skin flushed with the stain of, fucking, cotton candy?

Even when he's mad he still manages to look... sweet.

"I don't want to talk to you."

"What--" Andrew struggles to keep up with Steven's strides, half-jogging behind him as they round the corner to the empty office space they share with their other colleagues. "I don't know why you're so upset, all I said was that maybe you were taking other people's criticism a bit too hard? You're being way too sensitive--"

"I  _have_ to be hard on myself, I want Worth It to be successful; it's my best shot at doing anything meaningful here," Steven retorts, making a beeline for his desk, and pointedly turns away from Andrew as he clicks out of his tabs, shuts down his computer, and clears his work area with a little more force than usual. "It's not my fault that admin thinks that my ideas are elementary, that this  _half-baked_ idea only transformed because-" He makes mocking air quotes- "'because, _Steve_ , your show is hanging on a precipice; I know you wanted Keith, but he's unfortunately too occupied already with the Try Guys--'"

"I know what admin said, I was there," Andrew interrupts dryly.

Steven continues, ignoring Andrew's remark. "And I  _knew_ that Keith was too busy, but I wanted him because hey, he's a great guy, but he has his projects, and you got stuck with me, and I know you're not fond of me at all, because any attempt I make to engage you just falls flat, and then I feel stupid because-- oh my god, because they just dropped you on this mess, and you  _know_ it's a frickin' mess-"

Andrew sighs, scrubbing at his face with one hand, feeling the stubble of his five-o-clock shadow rub against his palm. "I don't... hate you, Steven. I don't think this is a mess. I just-"

"You were never really into this, into what this all meant to me, were you?"

"What the fuck do you want from me? Huh? I see you worrying about what others think, and it's- it's disgusting to see you become all weak-willed just because people are shitting on your ideas- from  _admin_ , no less."

Steven makes a frustrated noise, and moves toward the exit, clearly wanting to get out the building, but Andrew follows him to the door.

"Yeah, I get you're not as big as the Try Guys or Ladylike or whatever, but it doesn't mean you're not contributing great content to the company. You need to let it go-"

"F--  _damn_ it, just shut up!" Steven whirls around to face Andrew, the color high in his cheekbones, eyebrows furrowed in aggravation. "Stop telling me to let go, shut the  _hell_ up, Andr-"

Something in Andrew's brain just clicks, and suddenly he has the front of Steven's soft baby blue t-shirt balled in his fist, and he moves forward until he has Steven slammed into the wall, the short, yet solid impact knocking the breath out of him.

Steven has a good three or four inches on him, but Andrew's owning every inch of his own 5'10" frame, making direct eye contact with his colleague. Steven's eyes are wide, but then they narrow slightly, and he lifts his head up a bit, sets his jaw.

His cheeks are still pink.

"Go ahead," Steven grits out, "Hit me."

There's no challenge in his voice, just resigned determination. He's not bluffing. 

Andrew isn't, either, at least, not bluffing in the way Steven thinks he is.

He tightens his grip even more, pressing his fist further into Steven's chest, and leans into his space. A little too close for comfort for some. But Andrew watches Steven, sees how he warily tracks Andrew's movement, but stays still. Tense, but not poised to run. Just waiting for impact.

He comes in even closer, putting his mouth right under Steven's ear. The skin at the hollow of Steven's neck flutters with each pulse of his heartbeat. 

"Don't," he murmurs, voice reverberating in his throat, "Ever. Tell me to fucking shut up." 

He feels Steven shudder underneath him, with something other than fear. A distant cousin of fight or flight, an amalgamation of both instincts that Andrew is all too familiar with.

He lets go of Steven's shirt, and pushes himself back with his hand still on Steven's chest. After a split second of decision, he lazily lets his hand drop, fingers slightly dragging down the middle of Steven's torso, mouth twitching into almost a smirk when he feels the muscles reflexively tighten.

"We clear?" He cocks his head, noting the flush now present at the hollow of Steven's neck.

Steven returns his gaze, eyes steely with a fierce kind of comprehension.

"Crystal."


	2. cast me far away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew remembers the old Steven, remembers his hair and awkwardness and hesitant personality, offset by those rare moments when he opened up and smiled or laughed at jokes.
> 
> He still sees that little bit of Steven's past when he looks at him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya i'm back!
> 
> enjoy the next installment of this
> 
> title from the same song

Andrew remembers the Steven before he did a 180, remembers the slightly awkward, black-haired guy with still a bit of baby fat, even at 25, on his face.

He understood— understands Steven’s dilemma: wanting to talk and laugh as loud as possible, but feeling like you’d be too annoying. Andrew got that, he went through middle school and high school questioning why he was too quiet, too reserved.

Which is why it annoys him to see people tease Steven. It just gets on his nerves.

“God, you’re so weird,” Kelsey had laughed in response to Steven scrolling through the pictures on his phone with his girlfriend to show her after they’d finished filming the latest Debatable, where they argued about being single versus being in a relationship. 

It didn’t escape Andrew to notice the twinge of hurt that passed through Steven’s face, which quickly faded under a practiced, schooled look of nonchalance.   
“Thank you,” he replied, with too much calm in his voice, his true sentiments in the way he clenched his hands until the skin around his knuckles stretched white.

“You’re one to talk, Kelsey,” Andrew goaded gently, with a small smile on his face, an ugly lie compared to the mild disdain that was twisting in his gut. 

“Sure. Hey, tell your pay-a-month girlfriend I say hi, yeah?” That last part was directed at Steven, casually tossed over her shoulder as Kelsey strolled away.

She didn’t see the way Steven reeled back, mouth agape with shock and dismay.

“Me too, Steve!” Zach called out from on set, apparently amusedly watching the whole exchange this whole time, and he snickered as he turned his back to them to return to his conversation with Shane.

Andrew frowned at that, and Steven seemed to shrink into his maroon sweater, slowly pocketing his phone, his mouth a thin line.

“Don’t pay attention to them, Lim,” he murmured, trying to make eye contact with Steven, but Steven only glanced at him and shrugged half-heartedly.

“Whatever,” Steven said flatly, and trudged away. 

-∆-

He saw the video a week after they all filmed it, and while he enjoyed Claudia’s debate with her colleague and their banter and interesting points, Andrew cringed whenever he saw Steven and Zach appear onscreen.

Normally Zach was quite personable and friendly, but he seemed so cold in this video, and almost amused with how incensed he was making Steven.

Andrew frowned. Both Steven and Zach were being so nasty to each other. Normally the Debatable videos were full of lighthearted arguments, but this seemed too personal for both of them to be kidding.

He clicked out of the video and leaned back heavily in his seat. Hopefully they got over it already; he didn’t like it when people held grudges against each other. Life was too short to stay angry at everyone.

-∆-

“Fuck _you_ , you hurt my feelings.”

Well you hurt _my_ feelings, too, how did you think I felt when you started saying that shit? Excuse me for not liking being in a relationship, it’s my choice,” Zach snapped back, narrowing his eyes at Steven. “You were being fucking rude, Steven, don’t deny it.”

“I wasn’t trying to attack you first, but you were being a dick because I was talking about my girlfriend. What do you have against me, huh?”

“Okay, I thought you were lying about being in a long-distance relationship, god, it’s not that deep. And wow, now we know it woooooooooow, we see your IG posts, we know who Ying is, so you can stop shoving it in our faces.”

“So you were pressed because you thought I was lying, and now you’re pressed because apparently I’m being too _braggy_ about my own damn relationship?” Steven’s voice turned shrill at the last word, and Andrew winced, willing himself to keep quiet and not intervene. He had been working on some new content for Tasty, researching new recipes to start the spring-themed videos— well, had been until Zach and Steven barged in, annoyed arguing that turned into full-on yelling.

“You’re making such a big deal out of it, let it go, man,” Zach sneered, crossing his arms over his chest, glaring at Steven. “Don’t take it so personally.”

Steven opened his mouth to retort, but he snapped it shut, regarding Zach with an expression that could only be described as resigned contempt.

“We’re done here,” he said quietly, and turned on his heel to exit the room. After the door slammed, Andrew quietly let out a breath. He peeked around the office, noticing his co-workers wearing shell-shocked expressions.

Well. That was interesting.

-∆-

Andrew idly stirs his coffee as he reminisces, his alarm suddenly blaring to startle him out of his stupor.

Sighing, he carefully sips at his coffee so it’d be at a level to not be able to spill all over the cupholder in his car, and grabs his keys and messenger bag, leaving his apartment to head to work.

-∆-

Steven and Adam were already in the office when he got there; Steven pointedly does not make eye contact with him, while Adam acknowledges his greeting to both of them with a small nod.

“Meeting in 10?” he asks Steven, to which the latter makes a small noise of affirmation, and continues typing on his computer.

Andrew smiles slightly, and walks to his space across from them, settling his stuff next to his desk, and opened his email to answer to some business regarding new Tasty projects, awaiting the meeting with admin.

-∆-

“You’ve proven that the series can survive on its own, as it’s garnering a lot of views, even with only 5 episodes.

“As you know, we have some shows that are already on Youtube Red, and because of Worth It’s recent success, we’ve been discussing how to integrate this series onto the exclusive platform of Red. We’d like to hear your thoughts on that.”

Steven shifts nervously in his seat. “Er, it seems quite early to think of Red when we’re not even done with this season.”

Byron, the Marketing Director of Buzzfeed, smiles thinly, hands clasped in front of him. “Our data scientists have calculated, with an algorithm, the projected increase of views on your project for the remaining five episodes. The trade-off of loss of viewers with it being on Red is minimal. A lot of people relate to sharing food with their loved ones, and are willing to pay to see your dynamic.” His assistants flank him, lackeys-in-training as they shadow their boss’s every move. Both brunettes, they regard the trio with a fixed, cold sense of boredom.

Andrew refrains from bristling up and putting his elbows on the table, a primal, indignant sense of disgruntlement welling up inside him. He hasn’t ever been fond of people like them, but unfortunately, working in such a large company like Buzzfeed means that he has to interact with them every once in a while. Andrew himself is facing one of the lackeys, and he sits next to Steven with Adam on Steven’s other side. They square off with each of the corporate-heads, and it’s like hand-to-hand-combat on a battlefield. Except, the hand-to-hand combat is verbal, and the battlefield is a generic boardroom conference table with paperwork neatly stacked upon it.

Steven stays silent for a while, eyes fixed on the innocuous piece of paper in front of him, the “sign here” perfunctorily highlighted in neon yellow.

Andrew looks at him worriedly. He doesn’t doubt that Steven will impulsively agree to basically sign away his rights to the one project that has his heart and soul in it, but after the check-in with their superiors yesterday, he’s not sure if Steven has the same confidence in it as he did when he first started.

“I— I appreciate the offer, but I think Worth It will be fine regardless if it will be on Red or not.”

“Perfectly understandable,” Byron said, “You can take a rain check now, and we’ll get back to you in a week. We can get another meeting scheduled at the same time.” He makes a motion toward one of his assistants, and she wordlessly swipes at her iPad to presumably make an event on his calendar.

“No.” 

Andrew and Adam look up at Steven in surprise. 

Byron, to his credit, still has that stupid sliver of a smile on his face. “Pardon?”

“No,” Steven repeats quietly, “I just don’t think my project is suited for the types of shows that are on Red, and it probably never will. It just doesn’t make sense that a show about accessible food and sharing it would be put on a more exclusive platform that would undermine its entire mission, you know? Also because it goes against Adam, Andrew, and my morals regarding the show, quite frankly.” He scoots back in his seat, stands up and pushes in his chair. “Thank you for the offer, though. I hope you have a good day.” He side-glances at Andrew and Adam. “Ready to go?”

Andrew can’t help the slow smile that spreads across his face. He can only nod mutely as he followed suit and left the table, nodding at the stony faces in front of him.

“Have a nice day,” Adam says in parting, his quiet voice a pleasant rumble as he ambles out of the room with the other two. 

It’s not until they head back to their office that Andrew breaks their silence with a snort, which sets off a silent giggling fit from Adam, shoulder shaking as he struggles to hold it in. He glances at a bemused Steven, and immediately a snicker escapes.

“What?” Steven asks, tiredly regarding the both of them.

“You’re such a badass,” Adam says, smiling wide as he sits down at his workspace. “We’re gonna have to start calling you _Steve_ now.”

“Steve Lim, professional badass, jacket connoisseur, food extraordinaire,” Andrew interjects, peeking at him to gauge his reaction. He gets a confused-turned-embarrassed glance in return.

“You guys are ridiculous,” Steven mutters, but the corner of his mouth quirks up in a resigned smile. 

“You did the right thing,” Andrew says, and Steven finally makes eye contact with him.

“I know,” he replied, nodding in acknowledgment of Andrew’s approval. “I know.”

“So.” He catches Adam’s eye before looking back at Steven. “It’s almost lunchtime. Trio trip to Panera?”

“Sounds good,” Adam replies, and Steven nods in agreement after a minute pause.

And just like that, it feels a little bit like before the fight, back to their tentative, but growing friendship. They piled into Steven’s car, just like they would while filming a video, and Andrew smiles to himself. He’s making progress, slowly but surely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment and kudos are always appreciated! <3
> 
> hmu on tumblr [@bergarass](https://bergarass.tumblr.com/)


	3. play these little games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well guess who's distraught over steven moving to ny! this bitch! 
> 
> i'm writing and continuing this series to cope with this news so bear with me as i outline some more angst
> 
> as always, enjoy

Steven remembers meeting Andrew for the first time when he started working at Buzzfeed. He’d seen Andrew in the past in various Buzzfeed videos, and had always found his stoicism and deadpan humor charming.

It was pleasant to discover that he was just like that in real life, and he was even nicer than expected.

“Hey, I’m Steven.” He stuck his hand out expectantly, and Andrew smiled at him, enveloping his hand in a firm grip.

“Hey, great to have you here,” Andrew replied, and he nodded to Ella, who was escorting Steven to his office space. “Hope to see you around?”

“Y-yeah, I hope so,” Steven laughed, and he and Ella went on their way.

That was their first encounter, and it was one that settled nicely in Steven’s mind. _Okay, I didn’t botch it, that’s a good start._ Steven’s goal for the day was to make some good first impressions and be able to acquaint himself with people. Hopefully, he won’t mess them up by being too awkward, which is what he tended to do around strangers.

-∆-

“Hey… Steven.” Steven halted at the sound of his name and turned around, on his way out to get home. Zach jogged up to him in the lobby and raised his hand in a wave, stopping in front of him.

“Hi.”

“I uh, wanted to know if you were free later to talk. I know you might be going out to lunch right now, but I needed to catch you to tell you that.”

Steven blinked. He really didn’t see this coming. “Uh— I’m free later. But, do you… want to join me? Now?” He winced at that; why did he have to phrase that so awkwardly?

“Yeah! Sounds great, let’s go.”

Fifteen minutes later they both were sitting across from each other in Chipotle, awkwardly looking at their burrito bowls, before Zach spoke up.

“Listen… about what happened… I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

Steven’s head whipped up. “What? I mean, I’m-- what?”

Zach continued, unaware of Steven’s incredulity. “I just had to apologize because I felt like-- no please, eat.” He gestured to Steven’s bowl, and Steven reluctantly picked up his fork to poke at his beans. “Because I felt like-- I was giving you a hard time. For everything. And yeah, I know we were supposed to debate or whatever, but I took it too far? By trying to goad you, you know? I just felt annoyed because, you can be pretty in-your-face with the relationship thing, Steven.”

Steven swallowed his mouthful of carnitas and rice, and nodded jerkily. “I get that.”

“And because of that, it... got me kinda apathetic. On purpose. And I just tried to pass off the sarcasm as banter. But I regret making you feel bad. What I said with Kelsey, what I said on-- on the show. That was stupid of me. And I understand if you don’t want to accept it but... I had to let you know that.

“I thought, someone’s gotta bend. I reached out first because I didn’t know if you ever wanted to talk to me again, or if you were going to say something before I did. So that’s why I approached you today.”

It was silent for a bit, partly because Steven shoved a bite into his mouth to avoid saying anything.

“I.. thank you for that,” he said, after finishing with chewing. “I felt like I was being dumb, too. And insulting you... wasn’t the way to go. I was being childish. I guess... I can say we both said things we regretted? It was... petty of me to personally attack you over dumb things, and you didn’t deserve that. I just got too defensive.”

Zach made a noise of agreement, as he started eating, the quiet crunch of his salad audible even through the rumble of conversation throughout the restaurant.

“It was really immature to be fighting like that in front of everyone, too, and looking back at it we could’ve resolved it better,” Steven laughed nervously. “I just want things to go back to normal.”  
  
“I do too.”

“I-- thank you for reaching out. You’re a stronger person than I am.”

Zach shrugged. “You’re not less strong for choosing to listen to me. I’m glad that you gave me a chance.”

“That’s what uh, friends are for, right?”

“Yeah,” Zach replied, smiling at him. “Exactly.”

-∆-

_Someone’s gotta bend._

Steven fidgets with the hem of his shirt, Zach’s words echoing in his ears months after their talk.

“Just do it, Steven,” he whispered furiously to himself, “Don’t be a scaredy-cat.”

A worried glance at his watch tells him that there is only a few more minutes before Andrew comes back from his meeting with Tasty and gets ready to go home.

A panicked swivel of his head gives him a view of Andrew walking through the office entrance, staring down at a notepad, apparently done with said meeting early, which consequently gives Steven less time to make a decision.

_Screw it._

“A-andrew.”

He looks up, eyes guileless and curious. “Hey Steven.”

“Can we talk? I know you’re going home right now, but I can walk with you? Just something that I needed to tell you.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

Steven nervously bounces in one spot while Andrew packs up, and finally says, “I... need to talk to you about what happened a few days ago.”

“Oh?” Andrew’s voice sounds just like how his eyes look: inquiring, with that bit of depth that Steven feels like he lacks in his own voice. It’s a depth that Steven can feel right in his marrow, if he presses his fingertips to his own sides and concentrates, feeling Andrew’s low lilt reverberate on his skin.

Steven squashes the stray thought, keeps himself from getting sidetracked. He matches his footsteps with Andrew, grateful for the other taking measured steps instead of hurrying along. “So I-- I just wanted to say that I was being really rude and inconsiderate and it was because I was... really angry at everything and I chose to lash out at you. And that was my fault. I... I apologize for being dumb.”

Andrew nods at that. “It’s fine, Steven, I understand your frustration. I’m glad you said something about it. Sorry about uh, slamming you up against the wall. What you said just riled me up; just a pet peeve of mine when people tell me to shut up.” He smiles ruefully. “I got caught up in the moment and... you weren’t expecting that.”

Steven huffs out a laugh. “No, not really. And-- I really get it if you’re still mad at me. You probably think I’m a jerk, and I don’t blame you for that. I mean...”

He paused, pursing his lips, trying to collect his thoughts before continuing. “I’m an idiot, who-- who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I guess that’s why admin had to call me in in the first place, right? They didn’t know what was gonna happen with my project. Because they didn’t trust the person behind it.”

“Steven...” They arrive in the parking lot, but Andrew stops in his tracks and looks worriedly at him, but Steven ignores it. Really, he does.

“‘Cause what does an awkward Asian kid know about success in the corporate media world, right? Hiding behind jackets and dyed hair to mask himself from the world, basically. I know what people say behind my back, Andrew.” He regards Andrew tiredly, sees the startled look flash through his eyes, followed by the understanding tinged with dolefulness. _I’m sorry about them_. Steven knows what that look is, he’s seen it on a lot of people throughout his life. But seeing it on Andrew, without the pity, makes his heart feel less heavy with self-loathing.

"I'm still too stuck in my head about this whole thing. Can't seem to let go of what other people say. In their eyes, I'm always gonna be that weird Chinese kid with black hair, boring clothes, hiding behind a facade. A fake. I'm only... I only look like this because I wanted to transform myself. And I wasn't satisfied with who I was, so I strove to change that. And now they want me to change my show and..." He looked away, shoulders slumping. "How much of my identity am I going to have to give up before they're content? How much more do I have to bend, 'Drew?"

The quiet settles over them like a heavy mist, almost suffocating.

Andrew inhales, holds his breath, and exhales, trying to find the right words to say. He's had them already, actually, but the opportunity to use them came up earlier than he has thought.

“I liked you no matter what your hair color was." Steven doesn't react to that, still staring off into nothingness, face still turned away, but Andrew just barges on. 

“You're worth more than people give you credit for. And I truly don't understand why people don't see you the way you are. I'm really grateful to call you a colleague and a friend. I care about Worth It doing well just as much as you do. Well, almost as much." Steven's visible cheek lifts up; he's smiling now. "No matter what you have my support. Promise."

Steven still doesn't reply, and because of the silence, it gives Andrew the courage to finally say what he needs to all this time. 

"You’re beautiful. Steven. I don’t care what you thought of yourself, or what you think now. You’re an amazing person. You don’t hear that enough, and you don’t tell that to yourself enough. I know you don't like compliments, but it's true. I had to let you know."

Steven eventually swivels to face Andrew, and his face is placid, but his eyes shine strangely. Prior observations, and not experience, is what tells Andrew how Steven is trying so hard to not let his distress show.

"How much more?" is his only response, quiet, resigned, and then he's blinking once, twice, quiet tears slipping down his cheeks, and he mechanically brings up a sleeve to wipe at them, but they keep coming, and he collapses forward, closing in on himself, and Andrew automatically comes forth to gently catch Steven's head on his shoulder.

"How much more do I have to take?" His voice catches on the last word, leading into a quiet sob, and Andrew's heart constricts just a bit, painfully clenching, and he slowly puts an arm on Steven's neck, his shoulder, and tilts his head next to Steven's. 

They stay like that for a while, in a near empty parking lot, with the sun almost gone. A man broken, and a man half-healed, holding each other, both not knowing how to fix anything, not knowing what to do, except to touch and feel and be not quite whole.

 _I don't have to be complete to help him feel complete._ Andrew repeats this to himself. Repeats it as he untangles himself from a still sniffling Steven. 

Repeats this as he walks Steven to his car and sends him off with last words of encouragement. A squeeze of his shoulder.

Repeats this as he drives home himself, and proceeds to drown himself in three glasses of whiskey, and then almost drowning himself in the shower as he hazily mulls over his jumbled thoughts and emotions.

Repeats this as he lays in bed wondering why he cares so much more than he had for anything in the past.

He falls asleep with the phantom touch of a friend's cheek still on his shoulder, a comfortable brand warm even palpable under the burn of whiskey skittering in his veins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos keep me goin (':
> 
> hmu [@bergarass](https://bergarass.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
